Alucard vs 4chan
by E. Lovett
Summary: Oh, guess what? Alucard decides to play on the library's computer! How will his first encounter with the Internet be? Will it show its true face from the start? And what happens when he discovers 4chan?


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Hellsing. I'm only playin' in it.

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There once was a very bored vampire. His name was Alucard, the No-Life King, the Nosferatu, the mightiest of the mighty.

And he was curious too, but didn't really like to show it. He usually didn't like human technology too much, but, hey, boredom can make you do anything!

So there he was, in the Hellsing's family library, trying to figure out how to turn on that weird, big machine Walter and his master, Integra, used to call 'computer'. He wasn't really a master in technologies, and how he couldn't read the computer's mind, because, uh, it actually didn't have one, it took some time to find the power button. He knew how it looked like from the TV. He liked TV, because it sometimes showed him when he destroyed that hotel in South America. But it made him look pretty fat.

Anyways, he managed to turn it on, and a blue screen appeared before showing something loading. He raised an eyebrow.

"What does windows have to do with a computer? Is it telling me to open the windows because it can't breathe? Why would a machine need to breath? Oh, such nonsense"

The screen disappeared after some moments, but he still was confused. He decided to ask somebody later, but a blue screen appeared, and something saying that the user 'IFWH' needed a password. He still didn't know how to type, but had some ideas about how the password could've been like. He looked at the keyboard and guessed that if he pressed a button, the letter on it would appear on the screen, too. He pressed on 'k'. A black dot appeared instead of the letter. He frowned.

"This can't even type, damn it"

He pressed several other buttons, and saw a dot appearing for every button he pressed. He thought better and decided that maybe it was like a game, and he had to remember what he typed. He laughed, as he knew he couldn't forget that easily, he was too powerful for things like that. So he begun typing, _k, i, l, l, v, a, m, p, i, r, e, s._

Oh, she was so predictable sometimes. Of course, Alucard knew it, he could read minds after all, but this time he hadn't even tried. He saw the dots appear again and waited for the computer to begin 'working'. He saw nothing was happened, and supposed he had to press on something. He searched for the biggest button on the keyboard, and pressed _Enter_. The screen changed, same blue but this time it was written 'Welcome' in the right side. He smirked at his achievement.

A picture of a huge cross, some smaller pictures in the left and a blue bar appeared. Along with them, something that looked like an oversized arrow appeared in the middle of the screen. He examined the keyboard to see if there were any arrows. No, there was only one arrow, on the _Enter _button and other four. He thought it might've gone back if he pressed _Enter_, but assumed the risk.

Nothing happened.

He tried with the other four arrows.

Still nothing.

"Damn human technologies"

He pressed them several times and noticed another button with an arrow: _Shift._ He questioned its name, but brushed it away, stating that humans are filled with nonsense. He pressed it and nothing happened. He pressed it again. Nothing. He sighed in defeat and positioned his elbow on the desk, holding his head in palm. He hit something, and noticed the arrow moved. He looked down to see what he had hit and became aware of a strange little thing with a wheel between two buttons. Grabbing the thing – he later would learn it was named _mouse_ – he fixed his eyes back on the screen. The vampire smirked again at his success, but when trying to select the _Start _button, he didn't know which button to press on the finally succeeded in making something appear, showing different names and icons. He clicked on the one Walter usually had open: Internet Explorer.

A white window appeared, and it didn't take long for some text to appear. Once with the text, some weird click sounds came up, too. He didn't really figure out where they came from, but he didn't really care, anyway. Some colored text showed up over a box, reading _Google_.

"Thank you, my sunglasses are enough," he said and pointed to them, in an attempt to make the computer _notice_ them. To his disappointment, the computer couldn't see, nor could it have a conversation with him. He saw a black line blinking in a white box, similar to the one he had written the password in, and an idea popped up in his head, evaluating when he saw the 'search' button.

He made a clicking sound in the side of his cheek, what would he search? He could find anything!

Anything besides a good job. He surely didn't like being a servant with no option to be promoted.

He smiled to himself and typed in, _'Good Jobs'._ But not being really used to keyboards, he ended up writing something else, something that only an idiot could type by mistake. He was to be greeted by hundreds of _porn sites,_ featuring various definitions of the same act, the one of 'mating'. He blinked, and realized what he was doing, quickly covering his eyes closing the window.

The Nosferatu sighed out of frustration, "Great, so this is _Internet_," he paused, casting his eyes upward and questions starting to form in his head, "what would be the worst place on internet?"

He smirked, different images popping up in his head. The vampire chuckled and opened _Internet Explorer _againand the_ Google_ homepage appeared on the screen. He hesitated a bit before typing, not knowing how to formulate the keywords.

He just chose to type what he wanted: _the worst place on the internet._ Many results showed up in just a matter of milliseconds. He randomly clicked on one, which title was /b/. He raised his eyebrow, seeing how desperate people were, writing with caps lock on "DON'T VISIT IT!"

Alucard frowned at human stupidity, why would you post a link and say 'don't visit it'?

Finally deciding to click on it, he was to meet, indeed, the worst place on the internet: hundred of random pictures, making totally no sense and one more horrible than another. If he hadn't challenged himself to survive there for five pages, he would've closed it as fast as possible. Anonymous people were posting disgusting pictures, totally random.

"If I ate like a normal person I would've thrown up by now," he said, and once reaching page 5, he closed the site and went back to Google. He sighed and thought of something else. He knew his fledging was a big fan of internet, and he had recently heard about 'viruses' in a movie, so he thought that may work on Seras. But how to get her accept a virus?

"Damn, she's so stupid she wouldn't even recognize a virus if it hit her in the face," he relaxed and signed up on . "Hm, how would my e-mail address look like?" he asked himself and finally decided it to be 'alucard' at hotmail. But it was 'taken'. He frowned and wrote 'alucard000000' at hotmail. This time it worked.

He searched for a paper in his pocket: Seras' e-mail address.

Once finished with the signing up, he clicked 'new message' and typed down Seras' address. It took him some time to figure out how 'shift' worked. He brought his eyebrows together and thought… where could he find a virus?

After many times of getting the wrong file and ending up on porn sites (again! But I can't say he wasn't happy…) and help from Google and some weird site called YouTube, he finally managed to do a virus. A pretty good start for the first time on a computer. Even impressive, I can say.

He attached it to the message and thought of something to write. The final result was:

"_**Oh, look, Police Girl. First time on Internet and this is what I found.**_

_**attached document: freepr0n"**_

The vampire clapped his hands at the scam and clicked 'Send'. Not even a minute passed, and his alert of new mail went off. He clicked on it and his mouth fell open to the floor at what he saw.

"_**masta ur such a n00b :]."**_

The only words he understood was 'such' and 'a'. He surely wasn't used to the 'Internet language'. He would later go and ask her what she meant. But he didn't have time to even got up from his chair, as Walter burst in the room.

"Sir Alucard, how is your first computer experience?" he asked with his usual kind tone and put the cup of tea he had with him on the desk.

"Brilliant," Alucard mumbled and stood to his full length. "You have work to do, right?"

"Actually, Sir Integra was inquiring to know what you're looking at on the Internet," he said and sat down, facing the curious Alucard.

"I've already closed it," he stated.

"It is saved in history"

The vampire stepped back, terrified. His reputation was to be ruined in front of one of his best friends because of an idiotic human invention. He surely didn't want his master to know what he was looking at either. Oh, how many years without blood would he get? He swallowed, as Walter arched both his eyebrows.

"Porn…"

A sweat drop appeared on Alucard's forehead at that one. Walter said it so dull as if it wasn't anything special. The vampire started to wonder if Walter ever visited porn sites, but he witnessed Walter's biggest change of expression and forgot about those questions.

"You've been on 4chan?" Walter eyes widened with every click he made.

"Ugh… yes"

Walter made Alucard sign to come closer, so they both could stare at the horrible pictures showed there.

"No wonder you only stayed for five pages," Walter laughed.

"Oh look," the vampire interrupted him. "This one says he can divide by zero"

Walter's eyes widened, but Alucard had already grabbed the mouse and clicked on something. The old man was ready to tell him to stop, but all that came out of both their mouths was:

"OH SHI-"

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**A/N**: Alucard's such a noob. :]

Alucard the noob would be glad to see your reviews, too. :]

Check _urbandictionary (dot) com_ if you don't understand something.


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